I had set out to draw my despair, and I have labeled this feeling image as confusion and despair, but this image is actually complex and tells a larger story of my general subjective experience. I'll just make this a longer post and tell a little bit about it as represented here. Though internal, the black orbits seem to define the content as occurring within such a subjective field, as though this is the space of which I am able to see. Within the lefter orbit which I see to represent my normal waking state of consciousness, exceedingly faint green and red vapors disorderly swirl, having become stagnant and yet trying to find a pathway, swampy, impotent, confused, and consisting of the majority of the content accessible to a state which is not really very awake at all. This image, in fact, shows a subjective inner world, shaped and propped up, in the environment which is habitual unconsciousness. The black dot, the focal point, my center, is empty and yet contains an enormous potential of energy. Like sharp lasers, criticism comes  from what seems like outside (simply a source beyond my awareness) and pierces me (black dot center) from the top left and directly above me (in this image). So heavy, the bottom falls out from my center, and endless emptiness continuously falls out and out and out beneath me, and surrounding the emptiness, vivid life energy rushes out, rushes out, rushes out beneath me. This is the despair. Then I feel a self-destructive impulse follow everything falling out from the bottom, follow the sharp impact of the relentless and climaxing criticism, follow the unending swampland of confusion, and deeper in that orbit, the reservoir and continuous creation of what seems to be only negative feelings (what I focus on. Where the life energy mingles with the black emptiness issuing out from the bottom of me). An impulse for a final shot to the side of my consciousness, blowing me out, unleashing it all, to be no longer contained by subjective experience. This is the firework-like blast of self-despairing glory issuing out from my center into endless space. A beam of light has me connected all the while, through normal waking state of unconsciousness and confusion, swamp-lands of negative feelings, piercings of self-criticisms and abuse, and through my subjective experience of anchoring in that small black dot - in the center of my own energy field. Thank you for allowing me to share, and for sharing in my experience with me by viewing this picture! Peace, love, and empathy!
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What a beautiful image and intriguing description of a very challenging experience! Thank you Kristen, for sharing so deeply and articulating it all so well. 

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart.”  -Helen Keller

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