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Head feeling/social anxiety
KristenHeadFeeling (1).jpg I doodled this one out while spending some time just being with a very dear friend. It was community, and yet here I was still feeling in my head, and still drawing to cope with my social anxiety. The result was this head-feeling image! An aspect I'm finding to be inherent to a number of my drawings is the distinction of a central to peripheral visual field, though here, as I doodled along, those arcs seem to have become brain hemispheres. Either way, it's content in a field within which I am receptive to content. But the problem is, I don't seem receptive to or able to readily access this thought-content. My thoughts seem boxed-off from me, some thought-content partially developed and most underdeveloped. Yet all the same, boxed off and relatively inaccessible. Translucent wisps, or little winds of energy (the movement which transports thought) gently passes in different directions through my mental field. (That is what I am able to see and recognize here in this image. In my anxious experience, these "wisps" are anything but gentle, if they even happen to be there at all!). But here I can see these wisps are gentle and unhurried and indifferent, but just reliably continue their motion around and through the mental contents unceasingly. They may perhaps pick up some contents as they move along (though they will continue to move just the same, whether or not they do, and they have no care whether they do or they don't). In my anxiety, in immediacy, in a rush, I would wish to force them upon retrieval of a content to me. It is I who would be hurried and harsh and wish desperately that they would find their way upon some content which I could use. 
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Confusion and despair
I had set out to draw my despair, and I have labeled this feeling image as confusion and despair, but this image is actually complex and tells a larger story of my general subjective experience. I'll just make this a longer post and tell a little bit about it as represented here. Though internal, the black orbits seem to define the content as occurring within such a subjective field, as though this is the space of which I am able to see. Within the lefter orbit which I see to represent my normal waking state of consciousness, exceedingly faint green and red vapors disorderly swirl, having become stagnant and yet trying to find a pathway, swampy, impotent, confused, and consisting of the majority of the content accessible to a state which is not really very awake at all. This image, in fact, shows a subjective inner world, shaped and propped up, in the environment which is habitual unconsciousness. The black dot, the focal point, my center, is empty and yet contains an enormous potential of energy. Like sharp lasers, criticism comes  from what seems like outside (simply a source beyond my awareness) and pierces me (black dot center) from the top left and directly above me (in this image). So heavy, the bottom falls out from my center, and endless emptiness continuously falls out and out and out beneath me, and surrounding the emptiness, vivid life energy rushes out, rushes out, rushes out beneath me. This is the despair. Then I feel a self-destructive impulse follow everything falling out from the bottom, follow the sharp impact of the relentless and climaxing criticism, follow the unending swampland of confusion, and deeper in that orbit, the reservoir and continuous creation of what seems to be only negative feelings (what I focus on. Where the life energy mingles with the black emptiness issuing out from the bottom of me). An impulse for a final shot to the side of my consciousness, blowing me out, unleashing it all, to be no longer contained by subjective experience. This is the firework-like blast of self-despairing glory issuing out from my center into endless space. A beam of light has me connected all the while, through normal waking state of unconsciousness and confusion, swamp-lands of negative feelings, piercings of self-criticisms and abuse, and through my subjective experience of anchoring in that small black dot - in the center of my own energy field. Thank you for allowing me to share, and for sharing in my experience with me by viewing this picture! Peace, love, and empathy!
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Fear, for me, is something that closes in and traps. The nature of it is that i must find a way out, but the feeling of it is that there IS no way out. While it closes in, something threatening, sharp, is present. And I'm isolated there with it. The life of me, that which isn't sharp but is fluid like water, it disperses to the edges of its containment. I feel this most in relationship to other people and in relationship to my own condemning inner-critic.
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